What Makes A Good Man [Husband]? (A sneak peek of the woman's perspective to one of the most critical gender questions of the 21st century)

It was past 11pm of a Sunday evening, my heart was burning hot with questions that I needed answers to, but could not figure out on my own. As I grew increasingly restless, I decided to reach out to my friend Ayo. I get clarity sharing with her, and I was desperate for some of that.

The following narrative is a summary of the conversation that ensued. I believe that this conversation is one that every man should read, and not just men, but the women in their lives. 

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I knew it was a bit too late to be messaging Ayo, but I was going to take the chance. I needed to get these thoughts out of my head. So I shot Ayo a message. 

Me: Hey Ayo, [are you] free?

Ayo: Hello, yeah. 

Me: I wanted to run some things by you to get some clarity. Is that fine by you? 

Ayo: Please go ahead. 

Me: As a young lady yeah? What are the things that you would see in a young man to 100% know that he'd make a good husband?

Ayo: Hmmm...dicey question. To be honest, what will make a great husband for me might not make for another sister. For me, responsibility is key. A man who manages his life well, takes ownership of things and cares greatly about the things under his watch- job, business, family etc. 

Me: Hmmm. That's heavy. Responsibility is a big deal.

Ayo: [You see], I didn't rush to just say God-fearing because I've been around some "preachers" who always use "work of God" to run from responsibility and put their partners under undue stress. But yes, a man who truly depicts the image of Christ will show responsibility.

Responsibility goes down to how you manage your personal space, hygiene, etc 😂😂😂[That's for me though]. 

To be responsible, means he responds. I am not saying he has to be God who perceives all things😂. But [he has to be] a man who can see a need and respond to it especially without being asked. This is responsibility. 

So on the list for me would be;

1. God-fearing: loves and fears God

2. Responsible

Me: Hmmmm

Ayo: A good husband for me will mean that he is supportive.

Me: Hmmm okay? [What does that mean?]

Ayo: A careful observation of life has really made me rethink a lot...some people are as supportive as much as it doesn't touch their ego. 

But a good husband should be a nurturer. One who can make gold out of his wife. That is what support does. Hope I'm not taking so much of your time?

Me (In my head, taking my time? Naaah!): No. I'm listening and learning.

Ayo: Now, a good husband doesn't mean you'll say yes to everything 😂. Some men in trying to be a perfect spouse actually get to this point, and realize that their partners get a little irritated. Have values. Values that supersede just mere desires. Values bring stability, let your wife be able to confidently say, "I know my husband cannot..."

Me: Hmmmm...

1. So responsibility: the ability to respond.

2. Support: the ability to groom and nurture.

3. Values for stability.

Ayo: When I look at you, I should be able to see what my son will look like😂😂😂

Me: Hmmm, these are lofty thoughts. So I'd like to drop a follow up question that you can respond to at your convenience if that's fine by you.

Ayo: Please go ahead. We don't have days like this all the time 😂

Me: Hahaha, I agree. Now that we have some insight on the kind of stuff that good men are made of, how are good men made? How exactly are good men made? that's my next question. 

[Next thing I noticed, Ayo is recording...]

Ayo's VN: Hmmm, its difficult to hurry over some of this questions. The natural first point that comes to mind is the early days of these men. Its easy to attribute it to a child's upbringing, but we have seen over time that irrespective of what is invested into a child, they (the children) eventually shape their lives as they grow up into adolescents and young men. 

Everything that the child is given at his younger years are simply inputs, everyone has the responsibility of making from their lives what they want. 

So its difficult to say 100% that upbringing is the major determinant of whether or not a child grows into a good man. Children are not ALWAYS a direct reflection of the homes they come from, children pick things from everywhere. So yes, upbringing plays a part, but there is a nuance to it.

1. So first, the models the child is exposed to as he grows up. This can be their parents at home or their teacher in school/church, and other people that they look up to. 

2. I'd say the second is choices. As we grow, we would all have opportunities to interact with the good, bad and ugly. The path we eventually get on is the path that we choose to walk. So regardless of the models a child is exposed to as they grow, their decisions play a huge role in what they grow into. Its possible for people to come from the best homes, and still turn out bad. And its also possible for people to come from impossible places, struggle, find the right kind of mentors, commit to the process, and become good men. 

So first, the role models a child interacts with, then the decisions they make as they grow. 

3. There is a third factor, and I would call that influence. Sometimes, people who struggle can make the right choices, but lack the commitment they need to see it through. This is where influences come into play. A good spouse can be a huge positive influence on her husband. Because he loves her, if she communicates effectively to him, that love would fuel his desire to do better, and he would eventually become better with time. 

Me: Hmmmm

So three (3) things that define a good man. 

1. GOD's fear in his heart. 

2. Responsibility

3. Values

And three (3) factors that influence how good men are made. 

1. The role models that this men are exposed to while they are young. 

2. The choices they make as they grow. 

3. The influences that they interact with to steady them on their chosen path. 

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Epilogue

I do not think that this is all that is needed to be a good man, but I think that the conversation presents some profound thoughts that anyone would find helpful. It does not matter whether you are a mum trying to help your sons get it right, or a young man trying to reinvent himself. I believe that there is treasure here to be gleaned. 

Dr. Myles Munroe of blessed memory would say "When purpose is not known, abuse is inevitable." but I also think that when identity is not known, it would be impossible to discern purpose. Maybe the abuse of & by the male gender being witnessed in our world today, has a lot to do with an identity crises that the male man is suffering from. 

I think the male gender needs help, at least I know that I need help. The man is the foundation of society. If things go right with him, everything else is put on a path to go right too. But if the foundation be faulty, what can the righteous do? 

Maybe this is why I feel like GOD has been roping me all the more into this subject, and as HE helps me, I'd do my best to share the story as my journey unravels. 

A-P...

PS: Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.